About

When I was younger, I used to take naps in the pews at my Church. I felt safe there—like no one could hurt me in the House of God. He’d protect me if anyone tried. I often think of one of the Sisters at my church who used to ask me what I wanted to be when I grew up. Every time, I told her I wanted to be famous, and every time she responded by saying that I should try to be a saint. "The whole world will want to be just like you," she said to me. So I studied hard, taught myself Saint Thérèse’s ‘Little Way,’ went blind like Saint Lucy, starved myself like Saint Rose, forgave the people who made me feel violated like Saint Agatha. I let myself die so that God would be the only thing living within me. It wasn’t until the death of who I was that I realized I never wanted to be a saint. The saints are the damned ones—damned to an eternity of having to be good, to be complacent, and to suffer. 

 

For many years of my life, I was considered to be the embodiment of a pious and holy person by the people around me. I was constantly asked how I had such strong faith. What they don’t know is that I was never actually certain of anything. I was merely pretending, mostly to cope with the anxiety and depression I was battling. Around my 18th birthday, I realized that I could no longer justify my self-inflicted pain with the promise of eternal life. I could no longer defend an institution who largely breeds homophobia and misogyny among its members while simultaneously claiming that we are all equal in the eyes of a God who is supposedly good. I could no longer turn the other cheek at the expense of my morals, my sanity, and the dream my younger self had to simply be loved with conviction and without condition. I decided it was time to give up on trying to fit into the small box in which I felt forced to contain myself. 

 

This realization revived me and thus, To Be Damned was born. As my honors thesis at Emerson College, I am writing a 60-page research paper about the effects that growing up in the Catholic Church has on the mental health of young women, as well as producing this web series. This project is meant to make people think: What are the implications of being taught that our value to God and to others is dependent on how much we have suffered throughout our lives? 

 

The series will contain seven episodes, each of which follows a different character. The stories I have written are fictionalized, but each character is based on the stories of the saints they are named after. Soon on the To Be Damned website, you will be able to read each of their real stories as told by the Catholics who have taught me and countless other young women about the saints.

 

With all that being said, I want to make it clear that I have immense respect for those who taught me the ways of Catholicism throughout my life; most especially those who helped ease my doubts, made sure I ate and slept every day, and helped me see that I did not need to suffer the way the saints did in order to lead a life I could be proud of. I know they’re reading this, and I hope they can feel the unremitting gratitude, admiration, and love I have for them. 

 

Creating a show such as this one as a student filmmaker is a massive feat, so I humbly ask for any support you are willing and able to give. Whether it be donating to our GoFundMe or sharing the project on social media, with family, and with friends... anything helps! I have been lucky enough to have an incredible team working on this project, and donations will be going towards feeding them during our shoot days, as well as location costs, production design, and equipment rentals.

 

For any way in which you are able to help support this project, I thank you from the bottom of my heart.

 

With love always, 

Sofía